Thursday, November 10, 2011

Another First Year..

Today is our daughter´s first birthday.. it´s incredible how time flies by.. it´s like if yesterday she was this tiny ball of a baby who was dedicated to sleep and eat.. and now she´s this little girl who moves non-stop .. grabs everything within reach, loves to make noise, bump things, eat things, and it just soooo grown up..

I can´t believe all the changes she´s gone through.. even though I had been there before.. it´s one of those thing you give fro granted you know.. but once you relive it, wow.. amazing how a baby grows.. and more so if you thing of them as just being two minuscule little cells and now being the way they are..

I truly with all my heart wished you were here to see her and our son grow.. I wish you could have met her and enjoy the daughter we had prayed to have one day.. and that she was given to us..

I wish you could see her smile, hear her blabbing, which in times she seems to say dad :´) .. I wish you could have been able to hold her in your arms and see that we really did improved the species :P

but despite all that.. I know you had a special time.. and had her in your heart.. the times you spoked to her through my belly.. only you, her and God know what was all that.. she might not remember this as she grows.. but her heart and soul will... and even if you´re not here, physically, I know you are watching over all of us... I just hope to make you proud and happy to see them everyday..

today was a good day... a day to remember the legacy you left.. a day to remember that good things do happen to those who wait.. a day to remember that no matter what we´ll ALWAYS be one..

to the first of many years.. Happy Birthday sweetie! mommy and daddy and brother love you..

miss you hon,

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

One year mark

today is the one year mark, don´t wanna say anniversary as there is nothing to celebrate, of the day you went to Heaven..

one year since we last slept by each others side, one year since I last touched you, one year since I last hugged you, one year since I last kissed you, one year since I last smelled you, since I last saw your face, since I last waved you goodbye with a smile on my face..

who would have thought that would be our last goodbye... thankfully it was a good one..

I still remember that morning.. our life was so good, we were so happy.. it was one of those days were you felt like floating.. how it went 180° is what I hate.. if only we had known.. wish we could have been able to change things..

I miss you in every second of my life, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take.. I wish you could take the pain away and come back.. wish you could have met your daughter.. see our boy grown up..

I´d love to uncry my tears.. I´d like to unbreak my heart.. I wish I could turn back time and have you here again.. I would give my immortality just to have you back here with me..

they say everything happens for a reason.. so unless the reason was to make me sad and miserable.. I can´t see what the reason was.. :(

I might be wrong in the head.. but I can´t seem to understand yet.. I don´t want it to be real.. I still hope to see you walking by the door.. hear you calling my name..

it amazing how the emptiness fills my´s so overwhelming..I hate it..

I even sometimes wish I was a mad scientist so I could clone you out from any of your dna porting stuff...crazy I know.. but that´s what my heart wants.. to have you back.. as crazy as it sounds..

it´s like if I was a living zombie.. alive ans walking.. but dead inside..  I miss you so much.. not one day has gone by in which I have thought things have gone better or easier.. it´s just as hard, and tough and sad.. and by all means not easier in any aspect..

I miss your breath.. your smell.. your touch.. I don´t remember how it felt to run my hands through your hair.. I´m slowly losing the memory of your scent...I miss the feeling of your skin.. the warmth in your arms.. the happiness by your side.. I miss my lead guitar..

I do have things to be happy for..  but they make me happy for other reasons.. and nothing will will bring the happy out of me like you did..

you might have been gone but you certainly will never be forgotten..  immortality... take it.. it´s yours!...

always and forever yours,

Monday, August 22, 2011

Triple wham..

well.. I came back today and realize I hadn´t written in a while.. thought I did.. guess I only did in FB.. but that doesn´t means i don´t think of you on a daily basis.. THAT I do.. ALWAYS...

today I´ll resume 3 important dates..
my B-day: it was a good day.. very hard not having you here to share it with me.. to grow older with me.. to wake up next to me.. but overall it was good.. family came over.. we ate cake.. which was the one we had at our wedding.. oh.. so very happy times.. I love how one simple thing can make me go back in time.. just wished sometimes I could actually go back in time.. :(

our son´s B-day: he turned 8.. it´s hard for me not having you here to see him grow.. to teach him.. to help him.. and as time goes by it will be harder.. he missed you too.. he always has something to say about you.. he remembers a lot of good times you had.. how you played, you laughed, how happy he was to have you as a dad..
his B-day was also a good day.. we went to your folks on the actual day.. we had cake.. he got lovely presents and had a good time.. then on saturday we went to McD´s so he could have a "mini" party with his cousins.. well, my cousins kids actually.. he had a blast playing there.. and also got nice presents.. then he should have this week the "formal" party at school..

and the third date, first day of school: today our kid is one year older.. and officially a 3rd grader.. wow.. time has really flown by.. when did he grow up so fast?... needless to say he didn´t wanted to wake up or go to school.. but who wants to wake up  at 6 after two months of pure play, staying up late and waking up at 9.. haha.. he´ll do fine..
he´s a very smart kid.. and hopefully he´ll turn up like you.. with a brilliant mind.. not for anything he got the academic achievement diploma last year.. given he changed school, classmates, teacher, city.. and had just lost you..

we miss you everyday.. just as the first day.. some days are harder than others.. but in each and every one there you are.. in my mind.. and in my heart.. to make me cry.. to make me laugh.. but most of all to make me wanna have you here..

can´t believe it´s almost been a year.. and still not one day goes by that I wish it was just a bad dream.. a nightmare I´d like to wake up from.. an alternate reality I wished I could get out of...

love really hurts..

I love you.. ALWAYS will..

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Lawyer´s Day..

Happy Lawyers Day my love!!

you are the most outstanding lawyer many have met.. and certainly one to be proud of.. you took law and applied it accordingly.. you were a seeker of justice.. a man who wanted to make a change in the world..

well.. you did changed my world.. and excelled at life.. no wonder why envy was around you..

"if the dogs bark.. is because you´re passing them by".. you certainly did.. and in great measure..

you managed to surpass your elders.. the student became the teacher.. and no one will ever be as great as you were.. not in my life.. not in the professional field.. you achieved so many goals.. so many, most people won´t even ever dream of them..

the seed you left is blooming.. no better example for our kids than you..

everyday we think of you.. my beloved husband...

I want to thank you once more.. cause I know somehow you were involved.. or at least I wanna think that way.. today, after almost 3 months we were given our girls passport.. yay!!.. so many hassles.. but it´s finally in my hands.. now we need to apply for the visa...

oh btw.. thank you for dropping by in my dreams.. loove it.. and love you the most

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I bet you are..

Today was the graduation ceremony for the kids in 6th grade as well as 3rd in Junior High..

well.. I got a call from the Principal´s office to tell me our boy was going to receive a diploma so he had to attend..

we did... he was given an academic achievement diploma.. even though he was the "new kid".. he demonstrated what he´s capable of.. no wonder there.. just look at the example and genes you left there ;) .. I was so proud of him as I know you are too.. just wished you were here to share this moment too..

I hope he keeps up the good work because the innate ability he already has it.. thank you babe for "improving the species" with me ;)..

I know one day he´ll be the man you´ve wanted him to be... a man of good and prosperity.. a man of success.. just like you..

have a grill party up there given the occasion.. ask Phred to join... I´ve heard he likes em too.. ;) ..

still missing you hon,

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father´s Day

this day, June 19th, we celebrate Father´s Day.. tough to do it without you.. I know you are not my dad but you are our kids dad.. and it´s hard that most everyone gets to celebrate this day while they don´t have you here.. it breaks my heart..

our boy had they joy to have you as a dad.. he had the chance to be with you.. to love you and be loved back.. to play with you.. you were a great example of a dad.. always looking after your family and giving only the best to us.. our kid had the fortune to have you as a dad... guess I picked you well ;) (love you)

our girl wasn´t as lucky.. you were taken away too soon.. for all of us.. but with her is that she never met you.. I know she knew you while still in the womb.. and she knew back then how much she was loved by you.. she could feel the love while you rubbed my belly.. she heard your voice while you talked to her.. what you said to her only you and her know.. you never told me.. it was something between you two.. and I know that she loves you just as much in her little heart..

I´m glad that somehow things worked the way they worked... I "picked" you to make me a mom.. and I was fortunate to make you a dad.. and you were a dad in all the extension of the word..

you´ll always be missed.. many important times will come that could only be filled by your presence.. Father´s Day being one of them..

I hasn´t gotten any easier.. or better.. you just need to keep on rollin´ but the heartbreak remains and the pain becomes a normal part of your life you get used to live with it.. but it surely doesn´t gets easier

always loved, always remembered, always grateful, for the time we shared, for the love we felt, for the kids we had...

Happy Father´s Day my love!!

to the greatest, bestest, awesomest dad I could´ve ever asked for my kids to have...

always in our hearts,

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Awesomest dream...

last night I had the most awesomest dream ever..

of course it involved you.. it was a dream I did not want to wake up.. and a dream I wished with all my heart was true..

there I was watching TV or something.. then I heart this noise by the door.. I turned around to see YOU standing there.. in a yellow shirt.. with a big smile.. it took me a second to react and for my brain to process it was you standing there.. then I ran as fast as the wind into your arms.. holding you so tight my eyes started to explode in tears..

I just wasn´t able to let go.. I´m sure if anyone saw me right at that time I was most definitely smiling in my sleep..

I just could not believe you were there, it was like I´ve always wanted to think of.. like if you were in some kind of witness protection program or something.. always there watching from a distance.. then the day came when you were able to come back to us.. to me..

the dream went on.. and I could feel my heart.. it was happy..

it might have been my subconscious.. as it always makes me have weird dreams.. but I know for sure that in this dream it was a truly connection with you.. what we talked about.. what you said to me .. no matter how amazing my brain might be.. I believe it was really you reaching out.. I want to believe.. :)

I didn´t want to wake up.. as I was feeling the transition from dream to reality.. and the lyrics to the song came to my mind.. "quiero dormir profundamente y no despertar llorando.. por la pena de no verte".. needless to say I woke in tears.. real tears..

I hope I can see you and meet you again like last night.. it was special.. you always are.. but last night I felt it real.. not just like a happy dream elaborated from my twisted brain..

I love you hun and I´ll always will

missing you,

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Teacher´s Day

you were always my favorite teacher.. not only because you were a Master in criminal law.. but because you taught me so many things..

you taught me love.. you taught me life´s greatest things.. with you I learned to be a wife.. to be a girl.. to be a mom..

with you I learned love does wonders and goes for miles.. I learned that no matter what, love always prevails..
I learned to listen those unspoken words.. I learned to see the unviewable actions.. I learned to feel with my heart..

I learned life was not easy.. but I also learned it was worth it..

I learnt a lot along our path together.. and I´m grateful for every step.. I just wished you could be here to keep on teaching me.. or even slapping the back of my head :p ..I love to remember you... but I´d love more if you were here...

one thing I can say... I learned from THE BEST..

love you forever,

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why, hello stranger..

that´s what I´d expected you to say.. if you were here reading this.. it´s hard to come and write.. not because I don´t want to .. or because I don´t know what to write.. or because I´m short of time.. it´s because every time I do my heart aches and pours itself inside out.. my tears flow.. and my soul cries..

time keeps going by.. not so much the pain.. that seems to keep on growing..

love hurts... love really hurts...  it´s got to the point that whenever I see something that reminds me of something or makes me think ahead of things that might be... I get this feeling like throwing up.. I don´t, but the feeling is there..

it gets triggered by a song.. a place.. our home.. a shirt.. a shoe.. a pic.. of you.. of us.. of our kids.. of times that won´t be.. even the name of some countries.. countries on our travel wishlist.. baseball.. I miss baseball.. I wish you could be here so we could go to enjoy just another game.. another day.. another year.. another lifetime..

I miss you so incredibly freaking much!! ...

and I love you with all that I´ve got.. from here to eternity..

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I miss...

I miss my fridge filled out with beer
I miss the most having you near

I miss your body
I miss your soul
I miss your smile
I miss you whole

Someone made real
my worst-est fear
they took you apart
and left me in tears

I miss my fridge filled out with beer
I miss you the most my lovely dear

not even death, could made us part
´cause you´ll be living within my heart
until the time we meet again
my heart will never be out of pain

I miss my fridge filled out with beer
I miss the most not having you here.


I hadn´t dropped by.. as I hadn´t had the guts to type what I just had been on my mind for a while now..

It still hasn´t set the fact you´re gone.. not even after 6 months.. it just doesn´t feels real.. everyday I still find myself thinking you´d walk by the door.. even though I know you won´t.. I´m not sure why my mind is like this.. yes, I miss you so much.. but it hurts having to remind myself you won´t be back...

although, the human mind is an amazing thing.. as I can relive also the awesome moments we had whenever I want.. and they do seem just as real ... wish they were..

I keep trying to do my best each day.. and sending you my love as well

always yours,

Saturday, March 5, 2011

not much to say...

other than.. :(

and I miss you so much!!!

although it has been a few months.. it still seems so unreal.. I can´t seem to be convinced it has happened..

and what´s worse.. my heart shatters every time I remind it it is.. which is pretty often..
I find myself thinking of you.. sometimes as if you were here.. wondering what are you doing.. then come back to reality.. and it hurts..

why you?.. why us?.. why now?.. why ever?.. what is wrong with people these days..I just can´t believe there´s such evil in the world

you would´ve made a better world.. you did with mine..

our boy has always been your clone..and now our girl.. maybe it´s just me.. and my desire to have you still.. but she does look like you too.. except for skin n eye color.. she got that from me.. :).. but her ears.. it´s like if I´m seeing yours.. her feet.. even her sweaty lil hands.. and even if they remind me of you they also make me miss you more..

I´m glad our boy got to know you.. and play and grow with you.. not enough.. but he has a good memory of you.. what is sad is that our girl never had that chance.. never will.. she´ll get to know you by what we say but it will never be the same..

our kids are such happy kids.. i wish you could be here to see them grow.. to share with them their milestones..

it´s been hard.. as I can´t be a dad.. don´t know how to be.. I miss you.. if only you could come back..

all my love,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Happy Birthday!!

Today would´ve have been a special day... your birthday.. but if it weren´t for today we wouldn´t have met and our kids wouldn´t have been born.. so, in a way, it is still a happy day..

it would´ve been happier if you were here.. any day would be happier with you..

I miss you so much babe..

I dreamed about you last night.. just wished it wasn´t a dream.. as you were here with us..

at times I get a lil blue.. especially on this kind of dates.. kind of bittersweet times.. you being here would help make it easier..

I miss you in so many ways I lost count..

it might not be as a happy day as it should.. but I´m thankful it once was.. when I had you

Happy Birthday my dearest one!!

We love you Daddy!!!

with all my love,

Monday, February 14, 2011

OUR Valentine´s Day..

another date has come in which it´s hard not having you around..

12 yrs ago was a very special Valentine´s Day.. and one I´ll never forget.. it was our first Valentine´s Day ever..

thinking back I can´t help but smile.. and as I do.. having tears flowing down too..

it´s weird how years went by.. wow.. 12 of them.. and that very first Valentine´s Day just comes back so vividly.. :).. I remember the rose you gave me.. my first one..I remember going to the nutcraker.. my fave music.. Tchaikovsky..Sugar Plum Dance.. love it.. even if I was not into theatre or ballet.. you made my day remembering I loved that song..

all of our own way of romance.. I´d do it all over again.. and again and again..

why can´t there be a rewind button in life?.. I´d make then everything go in slow motion..

I´m not gonna say that I´m going to miss all those things we did.. because I already do.. I miss you..

we were never the tipey romantic type.. but you always managed to impress me.. I love you babe!!

we never dedicated ONE day to love and I´m glad we loved each other 24/7 365.. and even if you´re not physically here.. my love and heart will always be yours..

thinking of you daily...

Happy Valentine´s my Love!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Today.. eight years ago.. was the best day ever.. it was the day we got married..

The day we started living our lives together.. the day you made my dreams come true.. the day we became one in God´s eyes... the day our fabulous journey as a married couple began...

for almost 8 yrs we were married... together for 12.. and in those years I´ve was so happy..
I laughed.. I cried.. I was happy.. I was sad.. but most of all I was grateful to have you in my life..

since we started dating I knew you were the one, and boy, was I right..

you really made my life better by your side..

I sill remember our wedding.. despite it being very simple.. the sole fact to actually getting married to you made it perfect.. I loved every second of it.. and surprisingly enough not one thing went wrong that day.. it was a day meant to be.. :D

We never had a proper honeymoon.. like the ones most people have.. but we sure didn´t need going somewhere fancy for that..just being with one another was sufficient enough.. I know you wanted to take me somewhere.. and I told you, you didn´t had to.. I really meant that.. you had given me more than I could´ve asked.. a life with you.. it didn´t matter where we were.. just being there was enough for me..

I wish we were able to celebrate this year too.. another year of you putting up with me and my quirks.. another one me putting up with yours.. :p

there´s a huge void in my heart.. that will never be filled again.. I love you so much.. it hurts knowing you´ll never be here again..

the years we shared were so precious.. but clearly not enough.. I wish there were plenty more..

so.. even if you´re in Heaven..      Happy Anniversary My Love!!!!

yours always,

Friday, January 28, 2011

it´s been a while..

it´s been a while since my last post..

first off.. our boy was chosen to go to a breakfast with school principal n staff held for outstanding students..

I was proud of him.. and when he came back, he told me it was only one student per group.. made me even prouder.. I know you would too..

he´s a very smart kid, he sure got your brains..

our girl is doing fine too.. you know, she just grew some serious eyelashes.. lol.. not as curly as our boy´s but still very long and cute.. and she has your fingers.. they look so much like yours.. and her frown too.. you are truly showing up on her too.. a LOT..

it´s hard seeing days pass by... and still being without you.. I really don´t know how I´ve managed to hold it together for so long.. I really don´t..

I still wish it was only a nightmare.. we all miss you so much..

yours always,

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Where are you?..

I know where you are.. but I cannot help but ask  "where are you?" whilst seeing our pics..

where are you?.. please come back.. I wanna see you.. I wanna hold you tight..

all I´ve got is memories of us... those will last forever... I just wish you would´ve too..

we were supposed to grow old together.. get wrinkly.. grumpy.. but oh so in love..

15 days short of our 8th anniversary.. and now I´m all alone..

it was a happy date.. now I just don´t know..

I miss you with my heart.. with my soul...

I wish you were here.. and see our kids grow..

it´s just too much... I just can´t write anymore.. not right now.. I´m having a moment..
I need you to hold me in your arms...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Big day today..

Today was a big day for our kids..

Our boy went back to school.. vacations are over.. so now back to getting up early and do homework
our girl turned 2 months old today.. time is flying.. I can´t believe how fast this months went by

"bad" part was our baby got also her 2month shots.. she is not a happy baby.. she´s been crying and whining.. aww poor girl.. wish I could have her discomfort and pain instead of her..

Our boy is over the chicken pox.. amazingly he had a very mild case of it.. thank God!!..

As for me, I really can´t help but cry my eyes out whenever I see a pic of you.. I start looking at pics to so some edit work.. then I smile as I remember what was going on when I took it.. then I cry because you´re not here.. then I smile because how happy that moment was.. then I cry because they´ll be no more moments like those..

In a way I don´t want to cry.. not because I don´t want to want, but because I don´t want to pass the sadness to out girl.. something I believe she might get while feeding her..

This months without you have been really hard.. call me weird.. you loved me that way anyway ;).. but I saw a text in my phone from you from a looong while ago.. it read "call me babe, I miss you".. needless to say I bursted in tears.. just as I´m doing as I type this.. I MISS YOU TOO!!!

I can´t seem to get past the denial phase.. I just can´t.. not right now.. not sure when..

sending you a big big hug, love you..

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The End of 2010...

Today I sit here watching the year end.. hoping the new one to come be kinder with us all..

this year (2010) has been a rollercoaster in my life.. the lowest one being when you parted.. the highest one when our baby was born..

we moved.. we traveled.. we loved.. we fought.. we shared.. we pursued.. we achieved.. we smiled.. we cried.. we grew.. we dreamed.. we planned.. we were torn apart..

so many things this year seemed to promise.. so many things it took away.. one thing that will never be taken,  no matter how many years end, is my undying love for you..

I saw this on FB and had to post on my wall too..
"When we've lost someone we love we must learn, not to live without them, but to live with what love they left with us. I have loved and lost and will keep always close to my heart. Remember those you have lost and LOVE those they left behind."

I certainly can´t live without you hon, you´re living permanently in my heart.. and I will love what you left behind.. our two precious kids and 12 yrs of being by my side.. not enough really but soooo worth every day..

I hope the new year brings some comfort and peace.. gives me strength and courage.. allows me to be the best I can.. for you, the kids and myself..

for every tear there´s a smile.. and boy, have I cried.. I miss you and love you with everything I´ve got

Happy New Year my love!!