Thursday, September 30, 2010

12 awesome years...

first of all.. I´m sorry I haven´t properly cried for you.. but I think you´ll understand considering all that needs be done while I still have a thinking head... I assume once it´s all running smoothly I´ll be able to let go.. but never let YOU go.. you have been deep incrusted in my heart for quite sometime now.. part of the ship, part of the crew...

12 years... not that easy.. but really really worth it.. every day of them... I can still remember when we first dated.. do you?.. I knew back then we´d end up together ya know?.. even though we´re always complete opposites we surely completed each other.. even if it sounds corny.. we did..

you had what I needed and I had what you needed... even if we didn´t understood it ourselves sometimes...

I really wished we had seen that last movie we intended to...  now, how can I ever see it without you?... I´ll miss those times so much.. so many memories... very dear memories..

now that we are back home.. everywhere I look I see a place or a thing that reminds me a place we went, a place we strolled by, a place we talked, something we shared... 12 years it´s a lot to go through... I just wished it were 100 more...

I want you back!!!!!!! I really really do... please come back!!!!!...

I die a little each day without you... it´s our kids that have helped keep strong and alive... but my heart is so bruised... I need you by my side hon...

how I wished fairy tales were true.. cause I know what I would ask deep from my heart... I´d do anything to turn back time...

last night they were airing Public Enemy... I got tears once again thinking of how it ended.. "bye bye, blackbird"... and made me think.. maybe a lil selfish... if you had time to think about us on those last seconds... I cried because I think you did... we love you sweetie and will always do

sending you a kiss....

Monday, September 27, 2010

thank you for everything

Hi babe, today was a kind of an o.k. day.. I sort of managed a few things and now am just awaiting for some papers to be delivered to get the rest done...

got a lil irked because the "insurance" people.. well.. the ones that might help me to find out if there was any at all.. told me to come back in 2-3 months!!.. but what can I do.. besides wait.. hopefully they do find something useful..

found out about some withdrawals you made that day.. I didn´t get any of that back with your belongings.. also inquired about that... if they stole it... what a bunch of a$$es.. but karma will get back to them...

the good part is I asked around for some schools.. I have 3 as my top list.. not too pricey and not too far.. but will ask anyway for scholarships on them.. I really liked them just need to go check them out..

I feel that you helped me a lot this day... thank you hon... things do seem to be moving.. slowly but moving...

I can´t believe it´s been a week already... I miss you still the same...*blowing kisses your way*

how incredible these 12yrs were... I´ve loved every second of them.. even when we were mad at each other..  we sure had our ups and downs.. but in the long run they were all ups to me.. we grew together and did many fantastic things.. we laughed, we traveled and we loved each other very dearly.. of that I´m sure

I´m proud of you.. as I´m sure you were yourself too.. for accomplishing so many things.. like they common sayings goes.. you grew, got married, had a kid, planted a tree, wrote a book.. and were now ready to settle in a more kind of retirement type job.. life was just getting simpler... can´t believe it ended so soon...

I see all of our "collectibles" and think.. am I gonna be able to keep it going?.. in every thing I see there´s you.. the baseball caps, the balls, the shirts, the movies, etc.. and wonder.. I certainly don´t wanna do it without you.. it was something WE had... and even knowing you´re with me in my heart I´m not sure ...

the kids are doing great.. baby is getting so big now she even fits inside now.. our boy is growing like a weed... he send you his love everyday... and always has a smile when he talks about you.. but how could he not.. you only brought smiles to our lives...

he went to a playdate with a cousins kid.. he certainly had a great time playing.. he sure has missed his classmates.. and hopefully he´ll settle in with his new ones.. I´m sure he will.. we both knew he mingled quite fast with other kids and besides he´s such a smart kid.. he took that from you ;)

thank you for the awesome kid (s) you left me...

thinking of you baby love...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

my first dream of you..

Today I woke up with the tiniest smile.. I dreamed about you.. it´s been a while since I had dreams I could recall..

it made me happy to "see" you once again.. and "be" with you once again... too bad I woke up.. my smile didn´t lasted long when I realized it was just a dream.. but still I had you for a couple moments..

we were at this kind of beach and there were some boat trips along the shore.. is was like a haunted castle tour.. we played tennis of all sports... weird as we´ve never played anything.. we even got sunburned..

baby has been kicking like crazy.. but you know how´s that... just that now you are not here to "kick" her back.. I loved the interaction you had and I know she knew you love her even if she hasn´t been born yet..

our boy is doing much better than I expected.. yes, he got sad knowing daddy won´t be coming back.. he cried.. but I´m amazed how he went back to his normal self so quickly.. he knows where you are and that you´ll be watching over... I wonder if he thinks you´re on a trip or something.. just like I do when I think you´ll be walking in any minute..

babe, I really need your help.. give me a hint on what to do.. sometimes I feel like I´m not doing what I´m supposed to.. or don´t even know where to start... I just hope thing start to get sorted out before I lose it.. I feel the clock ticking and try to do everything I can to get things done.. just not sure if that´s all I have to do or if it´s the way I should do it..

my life´s not the same without you.. I can´t bear the idea of living without you... you meant and still mean a lot to me.. life´s not fair.. it really isn´t... I´ll never get over you.. and I hope justice is served for those that made our life´s so miserable.. although it won´t bring you back.. God WILL make them pay..

love you honey...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sept 20th, 2010..

My dear husband,

I´ll never forget this day.. sometimes I wish I could.. like it was just a nightmare.. but still, a nightmare no one wants..

you were taken away from us... and we were left with only pain and impotence..

we had so many plans for our future.. some really insignificant ones.. but now they are also the ones I´ll miss the most doing with you by our side..

besides all that I´ll always remember your face as you waved goodbye that morning.. you had the loveliest smile.. a smile I´ll never forget.. a smile that will make me cry but will also bring tears to my eyes...

I miss you so much... knowing you won´t be back IS the hardest part.. I so wish I could change that..

when I realize I won´t be able to hug you, kiss you, smell you, see you.. my heart breaks a lil more.. when I packed your clothes I did it in a rush.. not because I wanted to.. but because the pain hadn´t set in yet and I still had a bit of sanity left.. when I saw those garments that you´ll never wear.. the shoes you just had bought.. the ties I gave you.. I could not help but weep... I don´t want to part with anything as I still have the idea of you walking back the door.. but I just know it´ll never be... I didn´t want to pack your shirts and suits because they´d get wrinkled.. yeah I know.. why would I bother with that if no one will wear them anyway.. well.. that´s just how much I care about you even if you´re not here...

everytime I see your pic... I see the lovely man I married.. my only and true love... I´ve been blessed to be with you.. and for you to have given me two amazing children which will always remind me of the love we shared...in fact they have kept me together... and will be my motivation to keep on walking... but man, it´s hard not having you here by my side...

they say hearts can´t break.. well.. mine just broke in half when they took you away from me...

I remember the sirens wailing and I even grinned about that because I knew you´d liked that... the clothes I picked out for you.. should have met your expectations.. you always dressed well and you deserved to leave dressed the same.. the shirt was the one your kid gave you last Christmas.. the tie, one of the ones I gave you.. the suit, one of your faves.. so you left in style.. just as you always liked..

these past days the sky has been crying too... just like me.. but please know... you don´t need to be sad... you only left us the best of you.. your love.. your kindness... and you always made us proud of you... let us be the sad ones..  you sure went to a better place... and we shall meet again.. as a friend says "one phine day"...

loving and missing you..