Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Why can´t it be just a nightmare..

a really really bad one.. but just that..

it´s so unreal.. I can´t.. don´t want it to be true.. any time I see your pic I just want to wake up..

why can´t that be the reality..

it´s very hard to overcome the thought you won´t be here any more.. so hard to remember all the great times we shared.. I was just seeing some pics you had on your phone.. pics of all of us together.. I want more of those moments!!..

I want to see the evolution of this pic.. the growth in members.. but that´s not gonna happen now.. why?? why??!! WHY!!!!...

we miss you so much.. wish things could be different.. I just wish you to hug me.. real tight, so I could go to sleep in your arms once again.. and in the morning open my eyes and see you again..

my love goes to you,

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve..

Not really sure how to start or what to write..

My eyes leak.. my throat chokes.. my heart aches.. and in my mind it´s only you...

I don´t know how this day is going to go.. there´s this void that won´t be filled by anyone or anything.. and you are deeply missed Mr., more than I could´ve thought...

It´s kinda bittersweet.. your memory makes me happy for the times we had and the things you left behind.. but ti also makes me sad as from now on you won´t be tagging along.. physically that is..

Some days I laugh at myself as I find me thinking "I have a hair of him or his DNA.. maybe I should preserve it".. yeah I know.. that´s why I laugh.. but hey, can you blame me for wanting you back?..

Tonight will definitely be a tough day.. but I know you´ll be watching over..

I can´t promise I won´t cry.. because I will.. I already am
I can´t promise I won´t break.. cause not having you here is the worse
what I CAN promise you, is that I´ll love you forever.. that I´ll keep strong for our kids.. and that your memory will never fade..EVER

You were and are THE greatest man.. I´m lucky for loving you and you loving me back.. till we meet again

Merry Christmas my love,

Thursday, December 23, 2010

today we saw a lil light in our way...

Really it´s not the way I or anyone wants to finally OWN their house... but today was a good day afterall.. I was notified I need no longer make payments on our house.. it´s finally OURS!!.. no need to pay for 15+ yrs.. not anymore..

It certainly lifted a huuuuge weight off my back.. I know you had your play in this.. and I cannot thank you enough babe.. I would willingly without a doubt keep on paying if you could come back.. that´s for sure and you know it.. I know you know..

I still need to submit some paperwork but that´s another story..

It was also perfect timing.. just before Christmas.. so I take it as your gift to us.. :´)

This times will be hard on us all.. but I´m sure you´ll make your way to show us you are amongst us.. and you´ll live forever in our hearts.. your life was short but your memory will be eternal..

with all my love,

Sunday, December 19, 2010

it´s a sad day...

well not just one day..but mostly everyday.. and now with Christmas just around the corner it´s even worse :(

I can´t help but think what it´s gonna be like.. how are we gonna handle it.. it´s tough you know..

as I was passing by the stores I kept looking at men stuff.. needless to say I choked everytime I saw something you might´ve liked.. I eventually ended walking like if I had a blindfold so I could not see anything like that..

I too went to our house to get some stuff and saw a few gifts I had saved over time.. now realizing you won´t get to use them..and also thinking "was it worth it for me to buy ahead?".. now I think it wasn´t.. remember those cufflinks you had looked for over like a year?.. well I found and got them.. I wish I had given them to you so you could have at least wore them while you were here :´(..

the shirts, the shoes and even the suits are still in their boxes/bags and some even with tags.. I guess they´ll sit there for another 10+ yrs until our boy can fit.. hopefully he´ll be willing to.. I´d hate for the to waste.. but then again, even if unused I can´t seem to part with anything.. not even a sock..

maybe I´m a bit paranoid.. I still have your toothbrush..and even your hairbrush.. I don´t even want to toss a hair.. I want to keep as much of you as I can.. even if it´s plain crazy...I knoe nothing will bring you back.. but I just don´t wanna let go.. I really don´t..

I know I´m not alone.. and not the only one.. but it sure feels like that some times...

I miss you..

Saturday, December 11, 2010

baby´s first month

Yesterday was our baby´s first month-day.. yeah I know, that´s not a word.. but you get me.. you always did.. me and my weird made up words..."supongando".. haha.. I remember how that made you laugh and yet expected me to say it everytime.. love you hon..

anyway, back on topic.. our baby is growing so much.. almost 3 cms long.. and a really nice baby.. still getting used to waking in the middle of the night but overall great.. no health concerns at all.. she´s a very avid eater.. lol.. she really wears me out.. but I guess it´s worth it..

still to this day I cannot figure out what color her eyes are going to be.. but she has lovely eyes nonetheless.. just as our boys were.. not in color.. but his are also lovely...

something I cannot help either is feeling sad.. cry.. choke.. everytime I see a pic of you or think about anything that involves/d you.. in a way that´s good.. you really were a huge part of my life and I wanna keep it that way.. only thing I want is to make the pain go away.. but it seems that´s not gonna happen.. I miss you with all my heart... give me strength babe..I need you with me..

always yours,

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Velcro baby..

I really don´t know why.. but our baby girl is like glued to me.. she just loves being carried but my arms ache already.. she´s fine on her crib and all but at times she just won´t sleep if she´s not in my arms.. the second I pick her up, she stops crying..

she´s so funny too.. does make my face smile.. as well as our boy.. he´s loving being a big bro.. so cute!!

wish you were here to see.. and maybe stay up late with me when baby wakes up ;)..

one never realizes how important is not to be mad at each other.. I´m thankful we weren´t.. I would not be able to forgive myself.. it´s painful as it is.. I cannot imagine what I´d do if we parted mad at each other..

your smile and that last hug and kiss...... priceless...

why can´t you be here to give us more priceless moments...

the hole in my heart is permanent.. so as our love...


Thursday, December 2, 2010

I know it was you...

First of all.. I love you babe...

Yesternight I kept listening to this song... then all of a sudden.. it was a background sound in a TV show I was watching...

so this morning I had to hear it in full.. and I know it was you.. :´(..

I love you too hon.. and I so wish you could...