Why can´t it be just a nightmare..

a really really bad one.. but just that..

it´s so unreal.. I can´t.. don´t want it to be true.. any time I see your pic I just want to wake up..

why can´t that be the reality..

it´s very hard to overcome the thought you won´t be here any more.. so hard to remember all the great times we shared.. I was just seeing some pics you had on your phone.. pics of all of us together.. I want more of those moments!!..

I want to see the evolution of this pic.. the growth in members.. but that´s not gonna happen now.. why?? why??!! WHY!!!!...

we miss you so much.. wish things could be different.. I just wish you to hug me.. real tight, so I could go to sleep in your arms once again.. and in the morning open my eyes and see you again..

my love goes to you,

Christmas Eve..

Not really sure how to start or what to write..

My eyes leak.. my throat chokes.. my heart aches.. and in my mind it´s only you...

I don´t know how this day is going to go.. there´s this void that won´t be filled by anyone or anything.. and you are deeply missed Mr., more than I could´ve thought...

It´s kinda bittersweet.. your memory makes me happy for the times we had and the things you left behind.. but ti also makes me sad as from now on you won´t be tagging along.. physically that is..

Some days I laugh at myself as I find me thinking "I have a hair of him or his DNA.. maybe I should preserve it".. yeah I know.. that´s why I laugh.. but hey, can you blame me for wanting you back?..

Tonight will definitely be a tough day.. but I know you´ll be watching over..

I can´t promise I won´t cry.. because I will.. I already am
I can´t promise I won´t break.. cause not having you here is the worse
what I CAN promise you, is that I´ll love you forever.. that I´ll keep strong for our kids.. and that your memory will never fade..EVER

You were and are THE greatest man.. I´m lucky for loving you and you loving me back.. till we meet again


Merry Christmas my love,

today we saw a lil light in our way...

Really it´s not the way I or anyone wants to finally OWN their house... but today was a good day afterall.. I was notified I need no longer make payments on our house.. it´s finally OURS!!.. no need to pay for 15+ yrs.. not anymore..

It certainly lifted a huuuuge weight off my back.. I know you had your play in this.. and I cannot thank you enough babe.. I would willingly without a doubt keep on paying if you could come back.. that´s for sure and you know it.. I know you know..

I still need to submit some paperwork but that´s another story..

It was also perfect timing.. just before Christmas.. so I take it as your gift to us.. :´)

This times will be hard on us all.. but I´m sure you´ll make your way to show us you are amongst us.. and you´ll live forever in our hearts.. your life was short but your memory will be eternal..

with all my love,

it´s a sad day...

well not just one day..but mostly everyday.. and now with Christmas just around the corner it´s even worse :(

I can´t help but think what it´s gonna be like.. how are we gonna handle it.. it´s tough you know..

as I was passing by the stores I kept looking at men stuff.. needless to say I choked everytime I saw something you might´ve liked.. I eventually ended walking like if I had a blindfold so I could not see anything like that..

I too went to our house to get some stuff and saw a few gifts I had saved over time.. now realizing you won´t get to use them..and also thinking "was it worth it for me to buy ahead?".. now I think it wasn´t.. remember those cufflinks you had looked for over like a year?.. well I found and got them.. I wish I had given them to you so you could have at least wore them while you were here :´(..

the shirts, the shoes and even the suits are still in their boxes/bags and some even with tags.. I guess they´ll sit there for another 10+ yrs until our boy can fit.. hopefully he´ll be willing to.. I´d hate for the to waste.. but then again, even if unused I can´t seem to part with anything.. not even a sock..

maybe I´m a bit paranoid.. I still have your toothbrush..and even your hairbrush.. I don´t even want to toss a hair.. I want to keep as much of you as I can.. even if it´s plain crazy...I knoe nothing will bring you back.. but I just don´t wanna let go.. I really don´t..

I know I´m not alone.. and not the only one.. but it sure feels like that some times...

I miss you..

baby´s first month

Yesterday was our baby´s first month-day.. yeah I know, that´s not a word.. but you get me.. you always did.. me and my weird made up words..."supongando".. haha.. I remember how that made you laugh and yet expected me to say it everytime.. love you hon..

anyway, back on topic.. our baby is growing so much.. almost 3 cms long.. and a really nice baby.. still getting used to waking in the middle of the night but overall great.. no health concerns at all.. she´s a very avid eater.. lol.. she really wears me out.. but I guess it´s worth it..

still to this day I cannot figure out what color her eyes are going to be.. but she has lovely eyes nonetheless.. just as our boys were.. not in color.. but his are also lovely...

something I cannot help either is feeling sad.. cry.. choke.. everytime I see a pic of you or think about anything that involves/d you.. in a way that´s good.. you really were a huge part of my life and I wanna keep it that way.. only thing I want is to make the pain go away.. but it seems that´s not gonna happen.. I miss you with all my heart... give me strength babe..I need you with me..

always yours,

Velcro baby..

I really don´t know why.. but our baby girl is like glued to me.. she just loves being carried but my arms ache already.. she´s fine on her crib and all but at times she just won´t sleep if she´s not in my arms.. the second I pick her up, she stops crying..

she´s so funny too.. does make my face smile.. as well as our boy.. he´s loving being a big bro.. so cute!!

wish you were here to see.. and maybe stay up late with me when baby wakes up ;)..

one never realizes how important is not to be mad at each other.. I´m thankful we weren´t.. I would not be able to forgive myself.. it´s painful as it is.. I cannot imagine what I´d do if we parted mad at each other..

your smile and that last hug and kiss...... priceless...

why can´t you be here to give us more priceless moments...

the hole in my heart is permanent.. so as our love...

love,

I know it was you...

First of all.. I love you babe...

Yesternight I kept listening to this song... then all of a sudden.. it was a background sound in a TV show I was watching...

so this morning I had to hear it in full.. and I know it was you.. :´(..

I love you too hon.. and I so wish you could...

Thanksgiving...

I do wonder.. is there something to be thankful today for?...

well... certainly not because you are not here.. I miss you with every inch of my being... with every breath I´ve got.. with every blink of an eye.. with every beat of my heart... and I am not thankful for not having you around...

I would be if you were still here with us.. sharing each day.. being back to where we were.. and how we were.. TOGETHER!!

but between all the sadness your departure has caused.. I do have something to be thankful for.. OUR KIDS... you gave me the chance to be the mother of the two most precious kids one could ever have.. they both are what´s left of you and I cherish having a part of you in them.. I can see you there.. I can feel you there...

I´m thankful for our boy, that he´s big and healthy... that he´s so smart.. just like you.. and that he is a very nice kid.. I´m thankful because he truly was made with love.. a love we shared... and will remain forever... 

I´m thankful for our girl, a girl we both looked for and God made our wishes come true... a girl we had tried for so long and finally got here.. a lil girl that´s also a very healthy one and a nice baby.. and all you wanted her to be like... yet another proof of our love..

I´m also thankful for all our family and friends that have been so supportive through this tough times.. I really appreciate that.. it´s been so hard but I´ve found strength in places I´ve never thought.. and people have been helping me to get by a day at a time...

I´m thankful for knowing you are in Heaven.. where else could you be?.. I´m thankful for having shared 12 of the most special years of my life with you and having the bestest times ever.. for all that we shared I´m thankful for..

I´m thankful for having had you in my life... you made it so much better...

with all my love,

2 month mark.. :(

today is the 2 month mark.. and it makes me so sad to realize you´ve been gone for so long and it seems just as if it was yesterday.. and it feels much worse..

every day I think of you... every day something makes me think of you... everyday my heart breaks... everyday my tears flow.. everyday I wish you hadn´t go... everyday I miss you more... everyday I see your face.. everyday I hear your voice.. and everyday I wish to stay asleep so all that could just be real...

my world has definitely changed... but my love for you will remain the same forever...

till we meet again my love,

my heart is yours,

Our baby arrived!!...

she was born Nov. 10th.. at 7:55 a.m....

and she´s perfect... we did a good job hun.. :) ... as happy as I am, I´m also sad.. because you are not here to hold her, kiss her and watch her grow along with us...

she´s just what you always wanted her to be.. your lil "menona"...

days keep going by.. and I still can´t believe you are no longer here... why can´t you come back.. :´(

oh babe, how must I love you... but I know you know.. I just wish you were here.. my heart aches and my eyes burst in tears everytime I think of you... don´t get me wrong I love thinking of you.. what gets me is knowing that whatever made me think of you will never be again...

sending you my endless love.. and a kiss from your kids..

always yours,

Tomorrow is the big day...

our baby is coming!!...

no, she didn´t came early.. she needs to be taken out... she´s way too big... 4 kg already (8.8 lbs).. and has a huge head.. just like yours... so she would have had, not to mention I, a lot of trouble passing by if we waited the reminder of the two weeks left ahead... the Dr. said she was soooo ready to come out.. better for everyone involved..

I truly was at shock as he wanted me to stay today and deliver this evening.. but I still had a few errands to do prior that.. as I had assumed I still had two full weeks to go...so we settled for tomorrow morning as he didn´t advice waiting any longer.... well.. seems baby took after you after all and is huge... and healthy.. let´s hope everything goes well tomorrow as I´m scared as I´ve never been ever...

so by tomorrow starting at 7 a.m. I´m gonna need you by my side to help me relax hon thinking it better you should stick around since right now as I´m a total wreck... tomorrow our baby makes her entrance to this world and I´m sure I´m gonna weep like crazy now.. I know she´ll look like you too... I miss you babe.. how I wish you where here with us...

out boy is so excited he can´t wait... too bad he´s gonna be at school... but anyway he won´t be able to see her until we get back home... I hope we can sneak him in to meet his sis...

thank you babe for our precious kids!!.. love you always and forever,

I´m scared...

yeah.. I admit it.. I´m scared.. well I started to be scared.. these past days I can´t help but think about the baby arriving any day now.. and I´m scared..

already been there but this time seems scarier... how am I gonna do?.. am I gonna be able to go through it without you?.. who´s gonna hold my hand?... who´s gonna be there by my side?.. who if not you... :´(

time is running up and I don´t want it to... each day that passes it seems more real.. you know...

from then on what am I supposed to do?.. what and how... I just don´t know.. I honestly don´t know...

it may seem I have it sorted out and be moving along.. but deep inside I´m all twisted and turned into knots.. my mind just swirls and turns, I think I´m going crazy sometimes..  sometimes I barely make it through the day without you here... I can feel my heart crying inside... I can even hear it screaming in pain...

please stay by our side... I need you by my side...

your memory is just not enough... I wish you were here...

why can´t wishes come true.. why...

my love for you will stay on forever,

Remembering you...

and the way we played this song in the guitar hero... we sure did a great duet... on and off games..

still missing you babe and loving you with every inch of my heart...

life is hard without you beside me... God must´ve needed someone exceptional up there with him...

always proud of you hon,

you´re still with me...

it´s hard... and weird and funny and whatnot... but at the start of the week we went to renew our visas.. and we took a lil shopping trip... and I found myself not once or twice..but many many times looking at men´s clothes... perfumes.. watches.. ties.. you name it.. even beer... I kept looking and thinking ahead "maybe for Christmas".. then got back to reality and diverted to kid´s clothes..

you were always on my mind while shopping... didn´t buy THAT much but still.. I took your "input" on what I did bought.. wish I could still share with you..

my mind and my heart just won´t let go.. and I´m glad they won´t... you were and always will be a huge part of my life.. a part I would not trade for anything else and a part I will always cherish... a part that meant so much to me.. a part that I wish never left...

still missing you every second...

why?....

my ongoing question would be.. why?...

why.. why.. why?!!!!... why?..

there´s no reason I can think of... no logic.. nothing...  all I can think of is you and how to make things change.. I know there´s nothing I can do.. and yet my mind keeps struggling trying to find a way..

I want to hold your face in my hands... look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you... I know you knew that till the very end.. but I still want to be able to keep on doing that... all I have left is our memories.. and whatever my mind allows me to dream...

there should be a way to make dreams come true... or a way to make them longer... sometimes they feel so real I just don´t want to wake up...

why... why is people so mean.. why...
why us.. why now.. why at all...

my heart aches every day without you... and not one day goes by when I wish you were here by our side...physically...

how I wish... my dear, how I wish,

one month already...

it´s been a month.. a very tough one I might add.. perhaps the toughest I´ve ever had...

I remember when we got married I was told "the first year is the toughest".. as years went by.. I told to myself "the first year?.. all of them have been tough.. in their own way".. now I realize.. not having you IS the toughest of all things...

the days have gone by... but my pain hasn´t... this is so surreal.. I just can´t accept it...don´t want to accept it...  why were you taken away?.. why?... perhaps God had other plans for you.. but I miss you so much.. I´m going crazy without you... perhaps you had done what you had to done in this world... but in my world I still need you...

I want to hold your hand again.. I want to see you again.. I want to kiss you again... I want you back...

this is one of those things I might never understand... but I´d really like to know why did it happened... why at this point in life.. why did it happened at all... our life seemed to be getting better.. I had never seen you so satisfied and feeling so happy about what you´ve accomplished... it makes me wonder if that was why..

it´s true.. . love hurts... I love you so much it hurts... I see myself in the mirror and my face has changed.. my eyes have lost sparkle.. my face looks sad... even my eyebrows won´t stay in place... and that made me think of you once again... and cry all over... I´m happy to see you and think of you in whatever I´m doing.. but it´s just as sad because it won´t be happening again...  it´s hard to breathe.. hard to sleep.. hard not to think about you... hard to live without you...

my heart is missing a piece... and it´s just the right size for you to be in... my first, my one, my only.. my dearest love...

sending you my love,

a bit of laughter I had...

I did laugh a bit yesterday... a good one.. thinking about you...

I was seeing TV and there was this sneak peek of  the "Rules of engagement" show.. boy, how we liked it.. haha.. it had many things just as us.. anyway.. this guy always smacked the alarm clock on his side in the mornings.. then one day they switched sides of the bed and when the alarm went off he smacked his wife instead...I laughed because it made me remember our honeymoon.. remember how you smacked me?.. lol... you thought I had gotten up to the bathroom and turned to your side.. only to have your elbow meet my nose.. how we laughed about it... and it surely was something we still remembered.. we even talked about it recently.. that´s another thing I give you thanks for.. thanks for 12 awesome years of memories.. memories that WILL stay alive until the day we meet again.. hopefully not your elbow on my nose but still..

we had so many great times.. doing even the simplest things.. even when doing nothing.. even though we were so different we shared many things too.. I miss staying at home watching movies and having pizza in bed.. I miss all the little things we did... and I´m gonna miss all those we aren´t going to do.. but most of all I miss you...

why doesn´t Heaven has internet... at least we could video chat...

sometimes it takes everything one´s got to put on a bright face and a smile and hold it up all inside..

love you hon,

how do I live without you

... I want to know...
how do I breathe without you
if you ever go
how do I ever, ever survive

for real baby.. I just don´t know how I´m doing it...

days keep passing by... but I still miss you so much... why can´t someone invent a time machine... how I wish I had a fully functional DeLorean... :( I´d change my last name to McFly in a heartbeat... if I could only make it happen...

I keep getting a replay of that day.. and always think what would I´ve done different to change what happened... I still can´t find an answer that completely changes the facts... my brain wants to find one... and it´s torturing me as I know that whatever I did might have not changed it one bit... where are my Cosmo and Wanda when I need them?.. Where is my Black Pearl to bring you back?... Where can I go to turn back time...

you said "5, 10 years from now.. people are going to miss Isaac Nava".. well... it wasn´t even a day when I already did...

my heart beats for you,

three weeks ago..

three weeks ago they ripped you apart from our lives... I still want to see you come back.. I can´t seem to accept you´re gone.. I just don´t want to.. I really don´t.. sorry

I can´t believe all the stuff I´ve had to put up with in these few weeks.. I just haven´t had the chance to deal with this.. so many stuff needing to be done and I just can´t break down.. just can´t.. not right now..

although some things seem to be moving along.. there´s always something new.. I just don´t think I can take more of that.. more bad news..

the movers were involved in a crash... and some of our stuff was damaged... hopefully the insurance covers it.. stuff can be replaced, yeah.. but it´s just another stuff to stress with right now.. and I so don´t need it..

it´s sad seeing our first pieces of furniture gone too... as they remind me when we first went to buy them so we could have a proper home... a home I so miss... with you in it...  sad to see our stuff broken.. just as my heart is... one thing that sort of comforts me is knowing the missing pieces of my heart went with you...

I´d so give and break anything and everything left of our stuff... if it could make you come back... I wish it was possible... I´m not sure how much or how long I will be able to handle all this pain.. I just want you back so the pain goes away... so we can live and grow old together... I want so many things... but mostly I want you...

I wish this one could be continued.... now with the baby being outside... all four of us.. in our last pic together...

I can hide the pain with a smile with a laugh... but inside I´m torn into pieces...

always and forever,

just beautiful..

I received this from a relative.. really made me bawl my eyes out.. but even so.. loved it..

it reads like this

"For those I loved and loved me

When I leave, let me go...
Don´t tie yourselves to me in tears.
For all the wonderful years we lived together
let´s thank God.
If you have to cry, let the faith in God comfort your pain
life goes on, I´ll be near, you´ll feel the warmth of my love in your hearts.
And when you have to travel this path
standing next to God I will welcome you with a smile and say:
Welcome!, we now shall never part again!"

I cried so bad...

when I was taking a shower I was thinking how to translate it as it was in spanish and i started to cry again..
my tears got confused with the water pouring down my face.. but most of that were tears...

I miss you my love,

tough days..

the last couple of days have been tough if not tougher.. some "discussions" with your folks.. but I know that you´d back me up... we always were on the same side of the page..

we still have some issues to resolve regarding the car.. which shouldn´t be one.. but I don´t know why they want  to make an issue out of it.. I guess you know too how they are.. but don´t worry.. you gave so much to everybody including them it´s not fair for anyone to still wanna take from you.. I won´t let that happen

our boy has been doing great in school.. he has adjusted amazingly... and I was told the other kids thanked God that he was there with them as a classmate..

our baby is as crazy as ever.. she just moves so much... I think she misses you messing up with her... :)

I finally got one bank settled.. still have to do a few more.. but it seems as it going somewhere.. hopefully the rest are as easy as this one was..

it´s just overwhelming the amount of stuff one has to do.. and all on top of the pain.. just too much to bear..

I can´t believe you´re gone.. I so want you back honey... I don´t wanna sound so co-dependent.. but I love you so much.. a part of me was ripped off and it hurts so much...

I once again dreamed about you in regards our baby´s name.. still not sure if what I dreamed was a clue.. in a way I think it was you really talking to me..

wish you were here...

sending you all my love,

first day of school...

our boy had his first day of school... he did excellent.. his teachers told us he did great and he got an excellent card.. which if he accumulates 5 he´ll be awarded a prize.. I have no doubt that he´ll have it by friday.. such a good boy he is and he got the brains from you.. so smart... thank you babe for this amazing kid.. not because he´s ours but he surely is one of a kind.. just like you...

him being in school now is a weight lift off of me... I still have a ton of other stuff.. but this was one of the big ones...

everyday I see your face... everyday I hear your voice... everyday I wish when I wake up I could still do...

I still await for a text from you... I still await to see you entering the door...

I think I´m stuck on denial stage... I just don´t want it to be true.. it just can´t be.. can´t be...

just wanting to be with you,

you are always on my mind...

you are always on my mind...

but I must admit not everytime is the best way... these past few days I´ve thought of you in a very selfish way if one must say...

I´ve been thinking of all the things that we are not going to do anymore, the places we are not going to go, the food we are not going to eat.. you name it..

it´s just that going back I remember all the plans we had and now seeing they just won´t be makes me sad.. not because of the action itself.. but because you are not here with me...with us.. I wouldn´t mind not doing anything as long as you were still here :´(...

I was seeing our billion Disney trips.. and I cannot say how thankful I am we did them all.. even if it seemed like our only destination.. seeing those pics made me smile remembering those times and all the fun we had... seeing our boy´s face and his pics with you are now a priceless thing I have.. and I have a ton of those.. but I´m sure you knew all that.. if I had anything it was a ton of pics... ;) so thank you for giving me a camera..

I´m gonna print like over 1000 pics now to make a mini album... considering the amount of pics I have.. but I´ll pick the most representative..

there are this pics I "have" to take... not really motivated as you won´t be in them.. but you also know it´s my last chance to do them... how I wish we had done them that last weekend... I wish even more I could change the past so we had more future...

always on my mind and forever in my heart...

love you,

recognition all over..

babe, I came across this and thought you might like it..
http://ofsubstance.gov/blogs/pushing_back/archive/2010/10/01/51633.aspx

as you can see you really touched many lives.. and left some very good impressions all over.. you should be proud of yourself.. just as I always were...

remember you always talked about immortality.. well.. not the best way to part.. but you sure will be immortal.. at least in my life and in our children´s...
--------------------------------------

life hasn´t been any easier.. but it´s getting in shape.. our kid will be back to school on monday so he will have his routine back... he sure misses playing Wii with you.. he has been playing with my bro.. not quite the same.. he always mentions you as they play.. that makes me smile..

believe it or not I miss giving you back and/or foot massages... I turn around and you are not there to hug you at night... I miss your voice.. your smell.. all you...

if there were trips to Heaven I´d be first in line to go over and see you...

it´s hard living without you...

missing you every second...

12 awesome years...

first of all.. I´m sorry I haven´t properly cried for you.. but I think you´ll understand considering all that needs be done while I still have a thinking head... I assume once it´s all running smoothly I´ll be able to let go.. but never let YOU go.. you have been deep incrusted in my heart for quite sometime now.. part of the ship, part of the crew...

12 years... not that easy.. but really really worth it.. every day of them... I can still remember when we first dated.. do you?.. I knew back then we´d end up together ya know?.. even though we´re always complete opposites we surely completed each other.. even if it sounds corny.. we did..

you had what I needed and I had what you needed... even if we didn´t understood it ourselves sometimes...

I really wished we had seen that last movie we intended to...  now, how can I ever see it without you?... I´ll miss those times so much.. so many memories... very dear memories..

now that we are back home.. everywhere I look I see a place or a thing that reminds me a place we went, a place we strolled by, a place we talked, something we shared... 12 years it´s a lot to go through... I just wished it were 100 more...

I want you back!!!!!!! I really really do... please come back!!!!!...

I die a little each day without you... it´s our kids that have helped keep strong and alive... but my heart is so bruised... I need you by my side hon...

how I wished fairy tales were true.. cause I know what I would ask deep from my heart... I´d do anything to turn back time...

last night they were airing Public Enemy... I got tears once again thinking of how it ended.. "bye bye, blackbird"... and made me think.. maybe a lil selfish... if you had time to think about us on those last seconds... I cried because I think you did... we love you sweetie and will always do

sending you a kiss....

thank you for everything

Hi babe, today was a kind of an o.k. day.. I sort of managed a few things and now am just awaiting for some papers to be delivered to get the rest done...

got a lil irked because the "insurance" people.. well.. the ones that might help me to find out if there was any at all.. told me to come back in 2-3 months!!.. but what can I do.. besides wait.. hopefully they do find something useful..

found out about some withdrawals you made that day.. I didn´t get any of that back with your belongings.. also inquired about that... if they stole it... what a bunch of a$$es.. but karma will get back to them...

the good part is I asked around for some schools.. I have 3 as my top list.. not too pricey and not too far.. but will ask anyway for scholarships on them.. I really liked them just need to go check them out..

I feel that you helped me a lot this day... thank you hon... things do seem to be moving.. slowly but moving...

I can´t believe it´s been a week already... I miss you still the same...*blowing kisses your way*

how incredible these 12yrs were... I´ve loved every second of them.. even when we were mad at each other..  we sure had our ups and downs.. but in the long run they were all ups to me.. we grew together and did many fantastic things.. we laughed, we traveled and we loved each other very dearly.. of that I´m sure

I´m proud of you.. as I´m sure you were yourself too.. for accomplishing so many things.. like they common sayings goes.. you grew, got married, had a kid, planted a tree, wrote a book.. and were now ready to settle in a more kind of retirement type job.. life was just getting simpler... can´t believe it ended so soon...

I see all of our "collectibles" and think.. am I gonna be able to keep it going?.. in every thing I see there´s you.. the baseball caps, the balls, the shirts, the movies, etc.. and wonder.. I certainly don´t wanna do it without you.. it was something WE had... and even knowing you´re with me in my heart I´m not sure ...

the kids are doing great.. baby is getting so big now she even fits inside now.. our boy is growing like a weed... he send you his love everyday... and always has a smile when he talks about you.. but how could he not.. you only brought smiles to our lives...

he went to a playdate with a cousins kid.. he certainly had a great time playing.. he sure has missed his classmates.. and hopefully he´ll settle in with his new ones.. I´m sure he will.. we both knew he mingled quite fast with other kids and besides he´s such a smart kid.. he took that from you ;)

thank you for the awesome kid (s) you left me...

thinking of you baby love...

my first dream of you..

Today I woke up with the tiniest smile.. I dreamed about you.. it´s been a while since I had dreams I could recall..

it made me happy to "see" you once again.. and "be" with you once again... too bad I woke up.. my smile didn´t lasted long when I realized it was just a dream.. but still I had you for a couple moments..

we were at this kind of beach and there were some boat trips along the shore.. is was like a haunted castle tour.. we played tennis of all sports... weird as we´ve never played anything.. we even got sunburned..

baby has been kicking like crazy.. but you know how´s that... just that now you are not here to "kick" her back.. I loved the interaction you had and I know she knew you love her even if she hasn´t been born yet..

our boy is doing much better than I expected.. yes, he got sad knowing daddy won´t be coming back.. he cried.. but I´m amazed how he went back to his normal self so quickly.. he knows where you are and that you´ll be watching over... I wonder if he thinks you´re on a trip or something.. just like I do when I think you´ll be walking in any minute..

babe, I really need your help.. give me a hint on what to do.. sometimes I feel like I´m not doing what I´m supposed to.. or don´t even know where to start... I just hope thing start to get sorted out before I lose it.. I feel the clock ticking and try to do everything I can to get things done.. just not sure if that´s all I have to do or if it´s the way I should do it..

my life´s not the same without you.. I can´t bear the idea of living without you... you meant and still mean a lot to me.. life´s not fair.. it really isn´t... I´ll never get over you.. and I hope justice is served for those that made our life´s so miserable.. although it won´t bring you back.. God WILL make them pay..

love you honey...

Sept 20th, 2010..

My dear husband,

I´ll never forget this day.. sometimes I wish I could.. like it was just a nightmare.. but still, a nightmare no one wants..

you were taken away from us... and we were left with only pain and impotence..

we had so many plans for our future.. some really insignificant ones.. but now they are also the ones I´ll miss the most doing with you by our side..

besides all that I´ll always remember your face as you waved goodbye that morning.. you had the loveliest smile.. a smile I´ll never forget.. a smile that will make me cry but will also bring tears to my eyes...

I miss you so much... knowing you won´t be back IS the hardest part.. I so wish I could change that..

when I realize I won´t be able to hug you, kiss you, smell you, see you.. my heart breaks a lil more.. when I packed your clothes I did it in a rush.. not because I wanted to.. but because the pain hadn´t set in yet and I still had a bit of sanity left.. when I saw those garments that you´ll never wear.. the shoes you just had bought.. the ties I gave you.. I could not help but weep... I don´t want to part with anything as I still have the idea of you walking back the door.. but I just know it´ll never be... I didn´t want to pack your shirts and suits because they´d get wrinkled.. yeah I know.. why would I bother with that if no one will wear them anyway.. well.. that´s just how much I care about you even if you´re not here...

everytime I see your pic... I see the lovely man I married.. my only and true love... I´ve been blessed to be with you.. and for you to have given me two amazing children which will always remind me of the love we shared...in fact they have kept me together... and will be my motivation to keep on walking... but man, it´s hard not having you here by my side...

they say hearts can´t break.. well.. mine just broke in half when they took you away from me...

I remember the sirens wailing and I even grinned about that because I knew you´d liked that... the clothes I picked out for you.. should have met your expectations.. you always dressed well and you deserved to leave dressed the same.. the shirt was the one your kid gave you last Christmas.. the tie, one of the ones I gave you.. the suit, one of your faves.. so you left in style.. just as you always liked..

these past days the sky has been crying too... just like me.. but please know... you don´t need to be sad... you only left us the best of you.. your love.. your kindness... and you always made us proud of you... let us be the sad ones..  you sure went to a better place... and we shall meet again.. as a friend says "one phine day"...

loving and missing you..