you´re still with me...

it´s hard... and weird and funny and whatnot... but at the start of the week we went to renew our visas.. and we took a lil shopping trip... and I found myself not once or twice..but many many times looking at men´s clothes... perfumes.. watches.. ties.. you name it.. even beer... I kept looking and thinking ahead "maybe for Christmas".. then got back to reality and diverted to kid´s clothes..

you were always on my mind while shopping... didn´t buy THAT much but still.. I took your "input" on what I did bought.. wish I could still share with you..

my mind and my heart just won´t let go.. and I´m glad they won´t... you were and always will be a huge part of my life.. a part I would not trade for anything else and a part I will always cherish... a part that meant so much to me.. a part that I wish never left...

still missing you every second...

why?....

my ongoing question would be.. why?...

why.. why.. why?!!!!... why?..

there´s no reason I can think of... no logic.. nothing...  all I can think of is you and how to make things change.. I know there´s nothing I can do.. and yet my mind keeps struggling trying to find a way..

I want to hold your face in my hands... look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you... I know you knew that till the very end.. but I still want to be able to keep on doing that... all I have left is our memories.. and whatever my mind allows me to dream...

there should be a way to make dreams come true... or a way to make them longer... sometimes they feel so real I just don´t want to wake up...

why... why is people so mean.. why...
why us.. why now.. why at all...

my heart aches every day without you... and not one day goes by when I wish you were here by our side...physically...

how I wish... my dear, how I wish,

one month already...

it´s been a month.. a very tough one I might add.. perhaps the toughest I´ve ever had...

I remember when we got married I was told "the first year is the toughest".. as years went by.. I told to myself "the first year?.. all of them have been tough.. in their own way".. now I realize.. not having you IS the toughest of all things...

the days have gone by... but my pain hasn´t... this is so surreal.. I just can´t accept it...don´t want to accept it...  why were you taken away?.. why?... perhaps God had other plans for you.. but I miss you so much.. I´m going crazy without you... perhaps you had done what you had to done in this world... but in my world I still need you...

I want to hold your hand again.. I want to see you again.. I want to kiss you again... I want you back...

this is one of those things I might never understand... but I´d really like to know why did it happened... why at this point in life.. why did it happened at all... our life seemed to be getting better.. I had never seen you so satisfied and feeling so happy about what you´ve accomplished... it makes me wonder if that was why..

it´s true.. . love hurts... I love you so much it hurts... I see myself in the mirror and my face has changed.. my eyes have lost sparkle.. my face looks sad... even my eyebrows won´t stay in place... and that made me think of you once again... and cry all over... I´m happy to see you and think of you in whatever I´m doing.. but it´s just as sad because it won´t be happening again...  it´s hard to breathe.. hard to sleep.. hard not to think about you... hard to live without you...

my heart is missing a piece... and it´s just the right size for you to be in... my first, my one, my only.. my dearest love...

sending you my love,

a bit of laughter I had...

I did laugh a bit yesterday... a good one.. thinking about you...

I was seeing TV and there was this sneak peek of  the "Rules of engagement" show.. boy, how we liked it.. haha.. it had many things just as us.. anyway.. this guy always smacked the alarm clock on his side in the mornings.. then one day they switched sides of the bed and when the alarm went off he smacked his wife instead...I laughed because it made me remember our honeymoon.. remember how you smacked me?.. lol... you thought I had gotten up to the bathroom and turned to your side.. only to have your elbow meet my nose.. how we laughed about it... and it surely was something we still remembered.. we even talked about it recently.. that´s another thing I give you thanks for.. thanks for 12 awesome years of memories.. memories that WILL stay alive until the day we meet again.. hopefully not your elbow on my nose but still..

we had so many great times.. doing even the simplest things.. even when doing nothing.. even though we were so different we shared many things too.. I miss staying at home watching movies and having pizza in bed.. I miss all the little things we did... and I´m gonna miss all those we aren´t going to do.. but most of all I miss you...

why doesn´t Heaven has internet... at least we could video chat...

sometimes it takes everything one´s got to put on a bright face and a smile and hold it up all inside..

love you hon,

how do I live without you

... I want to know...
how do I breathe without you
if you ever go
how do I ever, ever survive

for real baby.. I just don´t know how I´m doing it...

days keep passing by... but I still miss you so much... why can´t someone invent a time machine... how I wish I had a fully functional DeLorean... :( I´d change my last name to McFly in a heartbeat... if I could only make it happen...

I keep getting a replay of that day.. and always think what would I´ve done different to change what happened... I still can´t find an answer that completely changes the facts... my brain wants to find one... and it´s torturing me as I know that whatever I did might have not changed it one bit... where are my Cosmo and Wanda when I need them?.. Where is my Black Pearl to bring you back?... Where can I go to turn back time...

you said "5, 10 years from now.. people are going to miss Isaac Nava".. well... it wasn´t even a day when I already did...

my heart beats for you,

three weeks ago..

three weeks ago they ripped you apart from our lives... I still want to see you come back.. I can´t seem to accept you´re gone.. I just don´t want to.. I really don´t.. sorry

I can´t believe all the stuff I´ve had to put up with in these few weeks.. I just haven´t had the chance to deal with this.. so many stuff needing to be done and I just can´t break down.. just can´t.. not right now..

although some things seem to be moving along.. there´s always something new.. I just don´t think I can take more of that.. more bad news..

the movers were involved in a crash... and some of our stuff was damaged... hopefully the insurance covers it.. stuff can be replaced, yeah.. but it´s just another stuff to stress with right now.. and I so don´t need it..

it´s sad seeing our first pieces of furniture gone too... as they remind me when we first went to buy them so we could have a proper home... a home I so miss... with you in it...  sad to see our stuff broken.. just as my heart is... one thing that sort of comforts me is knowing the missing pieces of my heart went with you...

I´d so give and break anything and everything left of our stuff... if it could make you come back... I wish it was possible... I´m not sure how much or how long I will be able to handle all this pain.. I just want you back so the pain goes away... so we can live and grow old together... I want so many things... but mostly I want you...

I wish this one could be continued.... now with the baby being outside... all four of us.. in our last pic together...

I can hide the pain with a smile with a laugh... but inside I´m torn into pieces...

always and forever,

just beautiful..

I received this from a relative.. really made me bawl my eyes out.. but even so.. loved it..

it reads like this

"For those I loved and loved me

When I leave, let me go...
Don´t tie yourselves to me in tears.
For all the wonderful years we lived together
let´s thank God.
If you have to cry, let the faith in God comfort your pain
life goes on, I´ll be near, you´ll feel the warmth of my love in your hearts.
And when you have to travel this path
standing next to God I will welcome you with a smile and say:
Welcome!, we now shall never part again!"

I cried so bad...

when I was taking a shower I was thinking how to translate it as it was in spanish and i started to cry again..
my tears got confused with the water pouring down my face.. but most of that were tears...

I miss you my love,

tough days..

the last couple of days have been tough if not tougher.. some "discussions" with your folks.. but I know that you´d back me up... we always were on the same side of the page..

we still have some issues to resolve regarding the car.. which shouldn´t be one.. but I don´t know why they want  to make an issue out of it.. I guess you know too how they are.. but don´t worry.. you gave so much to everybody including them it´s not fair for anyone to still wanna take from you.. I won´t let that happen

our boy has been doing great in school.. he has adjusted amazingly... and I was told the other kids thanked God that he was there with them as a classmate..

our baby is as crazy as ever.. she just moves so much... I think she misses you messing up with her... :)

I finally got one bank settled.. still have to do a few more.. but it seems as it going somewhere.. hopefully the rest are as easy as this one was..

it´s just overwhelming the amount of stuff one has to do.. and all on top of the pain.. just too much to bear..

I can´t believe you´re gone.. I so want you back honey... I don´t wanna sound so co-dependent.. but I love you so much.. a part of me was ripped off and it hurts so much...

I once again dreamed about you in regards our baby´s name.. still not sure if what I dreamed was a clue.. in a way I think it was you really talking to me..

wish you were here...

sending you all my love,

first day of school...

our boy had his first day of school... he did excellent.. his teachers told us he did great and he got an excellent card.. which if he accumulates 5 he´ll be awarded a prize.. I have no doubt that he´ll have it by friday.. such a good boy he is and he got the brains from you.. so smart... thank you babe for this amazing kid.. not because he´s ours but he surely is one of a kind.. just like you...

him being in school now is a weight lift off of me... I still have a ton of other stuff.. but this was one of the big ones...

everyday I see your face... everyday I hear your voice... everyday I wish when I wake up I could still do...

I still await for a text from you... I still await to see you entering the door...

I think I´m stuck on denial stage... I just don´t want it to be true.. it just can´t be.. can´t be...

just wanting to be with you,

you are always on my mind...

you are always on my mind...

but I must admit not everytime is the best way... these past few days I´ve thought of you in a very selfish way if one must say...

I´ve been thinking of all the things that we are not going to do anymore, the places we are not going to go, the food we are not going to eat.. you name it..

it´s just that going back I remember all the plans we had and now seeing they just won´t be makes me sad.. not because of the action itself.. but because you are not here with me...with us.. I wouldn´t mind not doing anything as long as you were still here :´(...

I was seeing our billion Disney trips.. and I cannot say how thankful I am we did them all.. even if it seemed like our only destination.. seeing those pics made me smile remembering those times and all the fun we had... seeing our boy´s face and his pics with you are now a priceless thing I have.. and I have a ton of those.. but I´m sure you knew all that.. if I had anything it was a ton of pics... ;) so thank you for giving me a camera..

I´m gonna print like over 1000 pics now to make a mini album... considering the amount of pics I have.. but I´ll pick the most representative..

there are this pics I "have" to take... not really motivated as you won´t be in them.. but you also know it´s my last chance to do them... how I wish we had done them that last weekend... I wish even more I could change the past so we had more future...

always on my mind and forever in my heart...

love you,

recognition all over..

babe, I came across this and thought you might like it..
http://ofsubstance.gov/blogs/pushing_back/archive/2010/10/01/51633.aspx

as you can see you really touched many lives.. and left some very good impressions all over.. you should be proud of yourself.. just as I always were...

remember you always talked about immortality.. well.. not the best way to part.. but you sure will be immortal.. at least in my life and in our children´s...
--------------------------------------

life hasn´t been any easier.. but it´s getting in shape.. our kid will be back to school on monday so he will have his routine back... he sure misses playing Wii with you.. he has been playing with my bro.. not quite the same.. he always mentions you as they play.. that makes me smile..

believe it or not I miss giving you back and/or foot massages... I turn around and you are not there to hug you at night... I miss your voice.. your smell.. all you...

if there were trips to Heaven I´d be first in line to go over and see you...

it´s hard living without you...

missing you every second...