Another First Year..

Today is our daughter´s first birthday.. it´s incredible how time flies by.. it´s like if yesterday she was this tiny ball of a baby who was dedicated to sleep and eat.. and now she´s this little girl who moves non-stop .. grabs everything within reach, loves to make noise, bump things, eat things, and it just soooo grown up..

I can´t believe all the changes she´s gone through.. even though I had been there before.. it´s one of those thing you give fro granted you know.. but once you relive it, wow.. amazing how a baby grows.. and more so if you thing of them as just being two minuscule little cells and now being the way they are..

I truly with all my heart wished you were here to see her and our son grow.. I wish you could have met her and enjoy the daughter we had prayed to have one day.. and that she was given to us..

I wish you could see her smile, hear her blabbing, which in times she seems to say dad :´) .. I wish you could have been able to hold her in your arms and see that we really did improved the species :P

but despite all that.. I know you had a special time.. and had her in your heart.. the times you spoked to her through my belly.. only you, her and God know what was all that.. she might not remember this as she grows.. but her heart and soul will... and even if you´re not here, physically, I know you are watching over all of us... I just hope to make you proud and happy to see them everyday..

today was a good day... a day to remember the legacy you left.. a day to remember that good things do happen to those who wait.. a day to remember that no matter what we´ll ALWAYS be one..

to the first of many years.. Happy Birthday sweetie! mommy and daddy and brother love you..

miss you hon,

One year mark

today is the one year mark, don´t wanna say anniversary as there is nothing to celebrate, of the day you went to Heaven..

one year since we last slept by each others side, one year since I last touched you, one year since I last hugged you, one year since I last kissed you, one year since I last smelled you, since I last saw your face, since I last waved you goodbye with a smile on my face..

who would have thought that would be our last goodbye... thankfully it was a good one..

I still remember that morning.. our life was so good, we were so happy.. it was one of those days were you felt like floating.. how it went 180° is what I hate.. if only we had known.. wish we could have been able to change things..

I miss you in every second of my life, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take.. I wish you could take the pain away and come back.. wish you could have met your daughter.. see our boy grown up..

I´d love to uncry my tears.. I´d like to unbreak my heart.. I wish I could turn back time and have you here again.. I would give my immortality just to have you back here with me..

they say everything happens for a reason.. so unless the reason was to make me sad and miserable.. I can´t see what the reason was.. :(

I might be wrong in the head.. but I can´t seem to understand yet.. I don´t want it to be real.. I still hope to see you walking by the door.. hear you calling my name..

it amazing how the emptiness fills my heart..it´s so overwhelming..I hate it..

I even sometimes wish I was a mad scientist so I could clone you out from any of your dna porting stuff...crazy I know.. but that´s what my heart wants.. to have you back.. as crazy as it sounds..

it´s like if I was a living zombie.. alive ans walking.. but dead inside..  I miss you so much.. not one day has gone by in which I have thought things have gone better or easier.. it´s just as hard, and tough and sad.. and by all means not easier in any aspect..

I miss your breath.. your smell.. your touch.. I don´t remember how it felt to run my hands through your hair.. I´m slowly losing the memory of your scent...I miss the feeling of your skin.. the warmth in your arms.. the happiness by your side.. I miss my lead guitar..

I do have things to be happy for..  but they make me happy for other reasons.. and nothing will will bring the happy out of me like you did..

you might have been gone but you certainly will never be forgotten..  immortality... take it.. it´s yours!...

always and forever yours,

Triple wham..

well.. I came back today and realize I hadn´t written in a while.. thought I did.. guess I only did in FB.. but that doesn´t means i don´t think of you on a daily basis.. THAT I do.. ALWAYS...

today I´ll resume 3 important dates..
my B-day: it was a good day.. very hard not having you here to share it with me.. to grow older with me.. to wake up next to me.. but overall it was good.. family came over.. we ate cake.. which was the one we had at our wedding.. oh.. so very happy times.. I love how one simple thing can make me go back in time.. just wished sometimes I could actually go back in time.. :(

our son´s B-day: he turned 8.. it´s hard for me not having you here to see him grow.. to teach him.. to help him.. and as time goes by it will be harder.. he missed you too.. he always has something to say about you.. he remembers a lot of good times you had.. how you played, you laughed, how happy he was to have you as a dad..
his B-day was also a good day.. we went to your folks on the actual day.. we had cake.. he got lovely presents and had a good time.. then on saturday we went to McD´s so he could have a "mini" party with his cousins.. well, my cousins kids actually.. he had a blast playing there.. and also got nice presents.. then he should have this week the "formal" party at school..

and the third date, first day of school: today our kid is one year older.. and officially a 3rd grader.. wow.. time has really flown by.. when did he grow up so fast?... needless to say he didn´t wanted to wake up or go to school.. but who wants to wake up  at 6 after two months of pure play, staying up late and waking up at 9.. haha.. he´ll do fine..
he´s a very smart kid.. and hopefully he´ll turn up like you.. with a brilliant mind.. not for anything he got the academic achievement diploma last year.. given he changed school, classmates, teacher, city.. and had just lost you..

we miss you everyday.. just as the first day.. some days are harder than others.. but in each and every one there you are.. in my mind.. and in my heart.. to make me cry.. to make me laugh.. but most of all to make me wanna have you here..

can´t believe it´s almost been a year.. and still not one day goes by that I wish it was just a bad dream.. a nightmare I´d like to wake up from.. an alternate reality I wished I could get out of...

love really hurts..

I love you.. ALWAYS will..

Lawyer´s Day..

Happy Lawyers Day my love!!

you are the most outstanding lawyer many have met.. and certainly one to be proud of.. you took law and applied it accordingly.. you were a seeker of justice.. a man who wanted to make a change in the world..

well.. you did changed my world.. and excelled at life.. no wonder why envy was around you..

"if the dogs bark.. is because you´re passing them by".. you certainly did.. and in great measure..

you managed to surpass your elders.. the student became the teacher.. and no one will ever be as great as you were.. not in my life.. not in the professional field.. you achieved so many goals.. so many, most people won´t even ever dream of them..

the seed you left is blooming.. no better example for our kids than you..

everyday we think of you.. my beloved husband...

I want to thank you once more.. cause I know somehow you were involved.. or at least I wanna think that way.. today, after almost 3 months we were given our girls passport.. yay!!.. so many hassles.. but it´s finally in my hands.. now we need to apply for the visa...

oh btw.. thank you for dropping by in my dreams.. loove it.. and love you the most

I bet you are..

Today was the graduation ceremony for the kids in 6th grade as well as 3rd in Junior High..

well.. I got a call from the Principal´s office to tell me our boy was going to receive a diploma so he had to attend..

we did... he was given an academic achievement diploma.. even though he was the "new kid".. he demonstrated what he´s capable of.. no wonder there.. just look at the example and genes you left there ;) .. I was so proud of him as I know you are too.. just wished you were here to share this moment too..

I hope he keeps up the good work because the innate ability he already has it.. thank you babe for "improving the species" with me ;)..

I know one day he´ll be the man you´ve wanted him to be... a man of good and prosperity.. a man of success.. just like you..

have a grill party up there given the occasion.. ask Phred to join... I´ve heard he likes em too.. ;) ..


still missing you hon,

Father´s Day

this day, June 19th, we celebrate Father´s Day.. tough to do it without you.. I know you are not my dad but you are our kids dad.. and it´s hard that most everyone gets to celebrate this day while they don´t have you here.. it breaks my heart..

our boy had they joy to have you as a dad.. he had the chance to be with you.. to love you and be loved back.. to play with you.. you were a great example of a dad.. always looking after your family and giving only the best to us.. our kid had the fortune to have you as a dad... guess I picked you well ;) (love you)

our girl wasn´t as lucky.. you were taken away too soon.. for all of us.. but with her is that she never met you.. I know she knew you while still in the womb.. and she knew back then how much she was loved by you.. she could feel the love while you rubbed my belly.. she heard your voice while you talked to her.. what you said to her only you and her know.. you never told me.. it was something between you two.. and I know that she loves you just as much in her little heart..

I´m glad that somehow things worked the way they worked... I "picked" you to make me a mom.. and I was fortunate to make you a dad.. and you were a dad in all the extension of the word..

you´ll always be missed.. many important times will come that could only be filled by your presence.. Father´s Day being one of them..

I hasn´t gotten any easier.. or better.. you just need to keep on rollin´ but the heartbreak remains and the pain becomes a normal part of your life you get used to live with it.. but it surely doesn´t gets easier

always loved, always remembered, always grateful, for the time we shared, for the love we felt, for the kids we had...

Happy Father´s Day my love!!

to the greatest, bestest, awesomest dad I could´ve ever asked for my kids to have...

always in our hearts,

Awesomest dream...

last night I had the most awesomest dream ever..

of course it involved you.. it was a dream I did not want to wake up.. and a dream I wished with all my heart was true..

there I was watching TV or something.. then I heart this noise by the door.. I turned around to see YOU standing there.. in a yellow shirt.. with a big smile.. it took me a second to react and for my brain to process it was you standing there.. then I ran as fast as the wind into your arms.. holding you so tight my eyes started to explode in tears..

I just wasn´t able to let go.. I´m sure if anyone saw me right at that time I was most definitely smiling in my sleep..

I just could not believe you were there, it was like I´ve always wanted to think of.. like if you were in some kind of witness protection program or something.. always there watching from a distance.. then the day came when you were able to come back to us.. to me..

the dream went on.. and I could feel my heart.. it was happy..

it might have been my subconscious.. as it always makes me have weird dreams.. but I know for sure that in this dream it was a truly connection with you.. what we talked about.. what you said to me .. no matter how amazing my brain might be.. I believe it was really you reaching out.. I want to believe.. :)

I didn´t want to wake up.. as I was feeling the transition from dream to reality.. and the lyrics to the song came to my mind.. "quiero dormir profundamente y no despertar llorando.. por la pena de no verte".. needless to say I woke in tears.. real tears..

I hope I can see you and meet you again like last night.. it was special.. you always are.. but last night I felt it real.. not just like a happy dream elaborated from my twisted brain..

I love you hun and I´ll always will

missing you,